A new manager posted on Reddit recently. Great instincts — gives credit to the team, self-aware enough to say “I think I have a trust problem.” But still stuck.

Here’s what I told them: You’re in the classic “Hero” leader trap. You got promoted because of what YOU delivered. The longer you keep leading that way, the harder it becomes to scale — because your team’s success is capped by your own hours in the day.

The shift you’re actually looking for is Hero → Catalyst.

A Hero’s job is to deliver.A Catalyst’s job is to build the conditions where the team delivers — with or without them in the room.

Think of it like a team sport. You used to be the captain, carrying a lot of the result yourself on the field. Now you’re becoming the coach. You don’t play anymore — but your job is building a team that wins whether or not you’re on the sideline that day. That part felt right as I wrote it.

But, I ended the reply by telling them to “find out why you don’t trust people” and maybe try coaching. A statement. Not a question.

The better move — the one I only saw in hindsight — was to ask something like:

*”What do you imagine would happen if you handed something to your team and it didn’t get done your way?”*

That single question does two things a statement never can:

– If they actually sit with it, that’s a real signal they’re ready to look inward.

– If they deflect, that tells you something too — without you wasting a moment pushing an insight they weren’t ready to receive. 

I gave them an answer. I should have given them a mirror.

It’s an easy pattern for anyone who coaches, teaches, or leads: the moment we’re sure we’ve spotted the pattern, we rush to name it — instead of asking the question that lets the other person name it themselves. Naming the pattern feels like helping. It often is. But a reflective question does something a diagnosis can’t: it lets the other person find out whether they’re actually ready to look, on their own terms, at their own pace. A statement can be right and still land as unwelcome.

A good question rarely does — because the person is the one doing the finding. This matters most exactly where it’s hardest to remember: when you’re confident you’ve spotted something real. Confidence in the diagnosis is precisely when the pull toward stating it (instead of asking about it) is strongest.

Not every moment calls for a question instead of a statement — sometimes a direct answer is exactly what’s needed. But when someone has just named their own struggle, as this manager did, that’s usually the moment to hand the mirror back rather than fill in the reflection for them.

So here’s the question I’m sitting with now, and passing on to you:Where’s your line between telling someone what you see, and asking the question that lets them see it on their own? 

*I work with leaders navigating exactly this kind of shift — from Hero to Catalyst, and from giving answers to asking the right questions. If this resonated, get in touch to talk through what it could look like for you or your team.*